The road to work

It was 8:32 and I started shuffling about in a restless way, staring up at the screen that shows what floor the elevator is currently on. "11." It was going down. I normally get out of my apartment at 8:20, but today I felt the need to sleep in an extra ten minutes, so my whole morning routine got thrown off. I still did the normal routine- get dressed, wash face, brush teeth, put in contacts, grab book, water, bag, put on shoes, out the door, but there was a feeling of uneasiness as I knew the clock was not on my side.

A funny thought. Last night I heard the ticking of the clock for the first time since I moved into my apartment. I had already gotten used to the constant tick, which at first kept me awake but now helps me sleep. Last night I consciously heard it and it gave me chills. Why all of a sudden did something that I was so comfortable with suddenly stick out so obscurely?

8:33. The elevator was already on the way back up. I scolded myself for feeling rushed - even if I was a few minutes late what was the big deal? It's not the end of the world, and will go almost completely unnoticed by anyone else, so there is no reason for me to tense up over something like this. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. I relaxed and stepped through the doors - going down.

10 minutes later I got on the subway. I opened my book and began to read. The pages in front of me talked of a man who just had a heart attack and had to be picked up by an ambulance. He lived alone, retired and did investing. Now he suddenly realized that he was out of touch with his family and tried calling them, but they weren't very responsive at first. He was out of touch with his son and ex-wife as well. He lead a perfect personal life but had nothing to show socially.

The doors opened and I got out. Was I leading a similar lifestyle? I began to think about my family and how in touch I am with them. I rarely find the time to make a call home, let alone to any of my friends. My relationship with my grandma is the closest to anyone in my family - we talk nearly everyday online. After that I'm decently close with my brother, although we only talk once a week. Next would come my mom who makes it a point to see how I'm doing every week on MSN, although I don't always get back to her. Other than that, most of my relationships in the US have been deteriorating.

A guy in front of me puffs some smoke just in front of my face. I dodge to the left and speed past him. 9:00. I still have 15 minutes, I won't be late.

I haven't talked to my Aunt for a long time - if I had ever talked to her. She is a work-a-holic now and puts all of her energy into her church and work. I can't blame everything on her though: our family hasn't put in the greatest effort to keep her in the circle, and neither have I. She used to go crazy over Christmas, sending all sorts of gifts, and loved to come down and visit whenever she could. I used to love her visits because she had so much energy and was a kid just like us. She got over that and so did we.

My uncle Steve's story is similar. When we got older and he got married, we never heard from him again and didn't put much effort into keeping in touch.

I crossed the street past the food vendors and headed straight for my building. As I was crossing the street I felt a sudden urge to start singing. Was I doing things right? Would it matter if I locked myself in my room, studied for the next 6 years and gained all the knowledge and skills in the world? I don't think I could, anyway. Most motivation I get from interactions with other people. I would most likely end up watching movies, eating, and getting fat. At least I know where to go from here.

The elevator up to my floor went down. How annoying, I thought at first. People got in at the basement and then we stopped again at the first floor. People crowded in, squeezing us against the walls. Again I was about to think "how annoying" but I stopped myself. This isn't the right mindset for turning things around. If I were any of them I would be in a hurry and want to squeeze in as well. The change has to come from me, not from my Aunt or Uncle. I can start everything and get things back on track.

The elevator went up and I felt elated and ready for a nice day at work. I planned on being more proactive and accepting in relationships. This will be a good day.