Coming to China has had an expected side effect on my life but in an unexpected way. I lost my sociability. I have found myself with fewer close friends than ever before, and in fewer social circles. While reading "The Game" - a story of the underground pick up artist community, I had an epiphany that should bring me out of my social slump.
As a kid I was always extremely social and made friends without trying, although I was never an alpha male (due to reasons that I will probably cover in another blog post). My dad loves to tell the story of my early years, before 10, in which I would go into a room and have all of the kids sitting around me in a circle in just a few minutes. They would follow me and copy me. This carried on until I was about 10, when I started to lose confidence in myself and "alpha" males came into bloom. From that point on I only made friends with select people - usually the smart crowd. I regained posture in high school, expanding my social network quite a bit, but it was never really strong outside of the smart-kid circle.
In College I blossomed quite a bit socially. I made friends a lot easier, became far more outgoing as I grew braver and more confident in myself. There was never a shortage of things I could do and people I could hang out with, but naturally I kept to myself most of the time, as I spent most of my free time on the Internet and playing video games. I played a lot of sports, keeping me at least above average in terms of people I knew and phone numbers in my phone book: it was my choice to keep to myself and not spend too much time in large groups.
While all of that is really an oversimplification, and while true for many periods of time not true for all (everyone goes through ups and downs), it serves to show at least one point. I am not socially retarded. If I want to be social, I have no problem. If I want to make friends, it was easy for me to find a group and get close with them to the point of hanging out almost daily.
This all changed after I came to China last year.
I was in China before, but I was studying at a university. Things were structured and there were plenty of Americans I was hanging out with. If I wanted to be social, I went next door to visit the other Americans. They could introduce me to other people. I made Chinese friends in class. I met people at clubs, coffee shops while studying, at basketball courts, or at English corners.
I'm no longer a student now. I work a 9-6 job. I can't stay out late and can only club on the weekends, but there are so many things to consider in my life now that I don't go clubbing often. I haven't been to a coffee shop to "study" or do anything really in about 10 months - I just haven't had the energy. I spend the weekends running errands, watching movies, and relaxing. I feel like there isn't enough time in the day, and not enough time in the weekends. I have become a worker bee.
The rhetoric used above can lead to many conclusions about my current lifestyle, but here I will only be discussing the far less obvious one: the post-college graduation lifestyle is not conducive to leading a healthy social life. Put that on top of moving to a new country and you find yourself in a socially awkward situation. The local people have been set in social circles for a long time and their social behavior is a lot different than that back home. There aren't many opportunities to meet people randomly anymore.
No-one is going to hold my hand anymore. There are no classrooms where I can sit next to a cute girl and introduce myself - no more speed dating. I no longer live next to a restaurant whose customers all live the same exact lifestyle that I am living. I no longer live next to the basketball courts and gym and classrooms. I am no longer in a world within a world in which everyone is the same - very conductive of making easy friends, aka speed friendships.
In the real world friendships are not just at the tip of your finger, but you are a lot more free in your choices. While there is no one pushing me along anymore and thus making friends is a much more difficult process, I now can meet a much wider variety of people and thus have more choices of who I want to be around me. No more forced roommates (either due to finances or dorm set-ups). The closest there is to such a things is workmates - but due to the variety in age and experiences in life, the dynamics at the work place and the dynamics at school are vastly different.
Making friends has become a conscious choice that requires real dedication. This is where my epiphany comes in. The book details an online community that turns into real life friendships, and it all has to revolve around a commonality. During school there was a commonality - we were all at the same stage in life and went to the same school. That much was enough to where making friends with anyone was possible. This commonality died, and because of even more degrees of separation due to cultural differences, as well as the fact that it's hard to be good friends with workmates (and a little incestuous), there is no longer an easy route on the road to a fulfilling social life.
Instead of looking for friends, I should be looking for communities that revolve around my interests. If I want to make friends, I need to get more involved in community first, such as communities involving video games, sports, language, traveling, economics, or anything else that I might be interested in. By having, for example, a common interest in basketball, anyone on the court can easily become a friend. The depth of the friendship will still depend on many other variables, but the ice-breaker / first thread to begin the friendship weave is in place. This is what I've been missing.
I've been so busy in the last year worrying about my language skills, my financial situation, and my career that I let my social life deteriorate to a non-recognizable level. I need to blaze a new path and hopefully it will help balance other parts of my life as well.
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