Real life - freshman year in retrospect

My birthday and New Years day are usually the two days that I clean and organize everything in order to take a hard look at my life up to that point, the year that has passed, and the year to come. Since graduation I have added the 2nd week of June to that list, to see how far I have come since my days in the school halls. I added my arrival in China anniversary day as well, but that isn't coming up for two months. The imporance of these days is to have stepping stones and markers to keep me on track and to ensure that I am making progress. With at least two days a year that you re-examine your life, progress almost pounces on you.

I have been a college graduate for a year now. While I can still say "I graduated last year," from now on it was over a year ago, and now there is a buffer of fresh graduates that will be entering the market and pushing me out of this title. In terms of my personal psychology this means a lot - I can no longer fall back on the "I'm the new kid on the block" excuse for things, am no longer the youngest employee, and most importantly am no longer the main source for the freshest information. The world is no longer my oyster, but theirs, and I am no longer the most motivated and adventurous kid with the largest hopes and dreams. They are, by default.

So what have those of my ranks, the sophomores of the graduated class, been doing and who are we now? We are coming to grasp with our life situation. We are no longer the bright eyed freshman graduates, but now the not quite confident, but not quite lost working class. There is still a remnance of our early excitement to be free of our schoolyard chains, but we have grown to accept realities. We are coming back from our adventures abroad, whether it be teaching English in Japan or road tripping in Europe. We are finished with our year off and are whole-heartedly, and almost desperately searching for that perfect job, still hopeful that one exists. We are starting to fit in.

My path has been a similar one. I spent the first two months after graduation with my family, "off." I avoided responsibilty and spent time with my family as a scapegoat. While spending time with one's family is never a bad thing, I could do that while at the same time taking full responsibility for myself. I could have gotten a job, prepared things better, and NOT chased unlikely and gambling-like quick-fix avenues to fulfill dreams, aka Chinese American Idol. In my fear of what was to come I was hoping for a quick-fix road to freedom and fame in order to keep my newfound freedom from being bound again by career. Instead I wasted two months and in the end ran away with fear and from responsibility, all the way across the world what in my opinion was the ultimate symbol of freedom - Hong Kong.

Hong Kong for the longest time has been a symbol of freedom for me. The movies, the pictures, the culture, the night life, the economy, the business opportunities had all filled my mind with a dreamy place that would be a perfect starting ground for a new life. Even though I had not the faintess notion of how I would fit into this scene and acheive my dreams, or even what those dreams were, I was sure that the answers would be obvious. They weren't. On arrival I was fresh with excitement and *knew* that this was the place that I would flourish. It was raining and humid, but I didn't care, and actually it added to my sense of adventure: weather that I wasn't used to, a language that I didn't understand, streets full of people, large 2 tiered busses, the lights, the buildings...everything. It was "Almost a love story," but I'm the main character. I was on the chongqing express.

The first month felt like a dream to me, and I was sure that I was on the right path. Even though I spent half of the first month with an infected throat and wasn't able to eat, was living in the smallest "bedroom" I had ever seen, and had very little money, I was still happy. I traveled to a new part of the city everyday, saw my best friend Mandeep whenever I wanted, and had meetings with friends of friends to find a job. I started teaching english daily, and wrote a lot of music during my travel time. I was learning cantonese with every spare moment and was learning it fast. Things were looking up.

Then the early excitement and motivation started to wear off. It's just like at school: for the first week or two I do all of my readings and homework, but after that I start falling back into my usual routines: video games, hanging out with friends more than being productive, and partying. I lived like this for a while as it was easy and it was fun - but it was not the life that I had originally dreamed I would have. While I didn't know what kind of life I wanted, I knew it wasn't this, and yet I couldn't break out of it.

I started getting tired of teaching English, of the partying, and of the lack of productivity and mobility, so instead of staying in Hong Kong and changing myself, I decided to run again. While Hong Kong had represented a dreamy place of opportunity, Beijing was a real place of opportunity - I had lived there before and other people I knew were doing business there and doing well.

I started very similar to the way I started in Hong Kong - highly motivated and very productive. I was studying mandarin daily (instead of cantonese), had an english teaching job in the first week, and was writing up business plans (instead of music). I talked to my friends about various business plans and all of them seemed great. I had 3 different business plans that I just couldn't get myself to sit down and actually DO. Yet again inability to take action after the initial period of motivation settled down on me. Luckily, I ran into somebody who gave me an opportunity to work at a video game company - I jumped on the opportunity, completely abandoning my business plans, and got myself into a career.

The theme for the jump from school to Hong Kong to Beijing was definitely "running from responsibility." I was looking for the easy way out, motivated only during the inital exciting phases. First it was the singing contest, next it was a mix of music and career, then it was starting my own business. In each of the situations when I realized what it would REALLY take in terms of sacrifice to reach my goals I decided to look elsewhere for something that would take less sacrifice, but each in turn were shut down. Finally I got myself into a career, which is probably not the BEST use my talent, but at least it forces me to come to terms with reality, responsibility, and face my fears, things that were not allowing my talent and ability to flourish in the first place.

So after all of the running I came to accept responsibilty, slowed down, and became patient. I've spent the latter 6 months of this year on personal development so the mistakes of the past won't be made again. I've made more realistic goals. While I know that I am slowing myself down way below my ability, during this time I have come to understand that my other flaws do not allow me to sustain high-speeds for very long - a month or two at the longest. So the theme from Career to now has been inner growth, and I suspect I will be in this period for quite a long time.

In review of this year, I:

1) Spent 2 months at home / "resting / visiting family" : Fear / Running from responsibility
2) Hong Kong "Looking for a better career and life / starting a music career": Fear / running from responsibility / lack of determination / illusioned
3) Beijing "start my own business": Inaction due to fear and not taking responsibility / illusioned
4) Beijing "Career / soul-searching / inner growth": Faced my fears / took responsibility / disillusioned / selective action / patience / getting grounded

In short, it has taken me a year to adjust to real life and grow up but I have yet to really "come into myself" so to speak. I have long way to go still, but I made it very far and changed a lot in just one year.

For the next year I hope I can:

1) Master patience, fear, motivation, dedication, and courage.
2) Live a completely honest life: with myself and with others.
3) Turn Career into something that really means something that can motivate me and have purpose that is in line with my values
4) Gain freedom: from addiction, from fear, from illusionment, and from money

It is hard to predict where life will take you, and just as hard to accurately measure yourself, but having goals and being flexible with them is better than not having any direction at all. I don't have any "outter" goals other than freedom from money, so this gives me a LOT of flexibility.

What an eventful year away from school, but I'm still a newbie to this game. Life is so exciting. Hey, it somehow landed me halfway across the world, who knows what I'll be doing next year?!