Am I a masochist?

Masochism:

Dictionary.com definition #2: Gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

It may be going a little far to say that I gain gratification from pain, but if looked at by an outside observer one could say that my actions are very masochistic in nature, mostly deriving from deprivation.

Observation #1: I do not feel gratification after I have done something that brings me pleasure. Video games, Sex, Partying, Eating - after any of these activities, instead of focusing on how pleasurable they were and reminiscing of great times, I often feel guilt and put myself down.

Observation #2: I gain satisfaction and gratification from depriving myself of these pleasurable activities.

I lost my sense of self. I have an unrealistic vision of who I should be. The things that give me pleasure in life do not fit into this vision. My inner conflict has created an ebb and flow between guilty pleasure and satisfying deprivation. Niether way will I be able to relax, as these two perceptions of myself cannot exist simultaneously and allow me a clear mind.

I know I'm not a masochist because my actions stem from other deep seated psychological conflictions, but it is interesting to note the parallels and to see how fine a line there is between logical and insane behavior.

Perhaps I am in an early stage of a multiple-personality disorder, now that would bring a unique blogging experience. I would be interested to see other people's observations: do some posts seem to be written by another person? I can't help but smirk at the idea.

This is going to take a lot of thinking and psycho-analysis. Is this kind of self-contained change possible? The more I learn about myself the more questions I have, and the deeper into the forest I go. Somehow this reminds me of a certain Joseph Conrad novel...