Why; The re-awakening

Yet again it's been a long time since I've visited this place and once again I enter the dust covered journal pages. It's a little stale in here, a reflection of what I've been feeling in life recently. Perhaps had I continued to come here I could have awoken myself earlier, but deep down I know I needed to allow myself to sink into a non-emotional state for a while to learn to appreciate again what it means to live with emotion.

I spent the last couple of weeks in a daze. The daze crept up on me like a lion pouncing on a deer; I expected to jump back on my feet and start getting my external life back in order, but reality had other plans. I should have known it was coming seeing the trends, but it seems my understanding of the human psyche is still quite lacking in awareness. My last two months were really rough, so rough that in order to heal properly I needed to be emotionally numb. You can think of it like an emotional coma - in order to repair myself successfully my body needed to take drastic measures.

I lost interest in everything. Work was not stressful but nor was I driving forward on the motivational motorbike. Everything was just still. If there was ever a time I went "with the flow" it was in these past two weeks. Whatever came up to do, I just went along - no questions asked. One side-effect of the emotional numbness was that I felt no temptations. Indulgence was easily avoided. I had beers with friends, but I did not feel the urge to drink too much and "rage" (the so-cal lingo for crazy partying). I had no urge to indulge in video game playing: I would get bored after one game.

The result of the healing process has been very obvious after I awoke from my coma. I no longer have a burning desire to play video games. I didn't need a 30 day motivational-will powered plan; my desire simply fell away into nothingness. I still enjoy playing, but I have no urge to play - it simply feelings activity on a list of things I can do when I'm free, rather than something I need to make time to do.

I no longer look forward to the weekend. This may seem like a silly thing at first, but I always felt that if people are constantly on their toes waiting for the weekend then there is something not right in their lives. Weekdays should bring as much happiness to my life as the weekends. Before I wasn't necessarily unhappy during the weekdays, but I have responsibilities that are in the way of indulgence. I can't play video games all day then party all night if I have work can I? I don't need to party anymore, so the weekend loses all of that previous attractiveness. I CAN drink and party, but it no longer is a central focus of fulfillment.

What all of this means is clear to me: I'm done playing around. I've always kept myself on track and never played so much that it hurt my life in a meaningful way, but I've always underachieved and overemphasized video games and partying. This change is not just video games and partying, it also encompasses quite a few other things in my life, but video games and partying are the best representation of my youthful immaturity. They key difference in my previous struggles with these and my current accomplishment is that before I tried to cut them off completely, which was impossible and impractical. Now I understand that video gaming is a hobby, an interest, and partying is a way to get closer to your friends and enjoy the city - neither are the whole picture of what life is about, but rather are just a small part and so should only deserve a tiny party of my attention.

I think I grew up quite a bit in the last few days. I hope it's permanent.

I also wanted to mention something that I'm not sure if everyone out there knows about China and is probably the hardest thing for me to get used to here. The word "why" does not have the same implications in China as it does in America. In America we place a lot of importance on knowing why we do things and why things are they way they are. We will ask why for everything - small or big, important or unimportant. Chinese will not ask why - ever. I don't want to go into the whys of this now, but I'll put up a few examples.

1) I lost my ATM card. I went to the bank to get another one and also get some money out of my account. The teller tells me that it will be 7 days before I can get a new card and that i CANNOT get money out of my account without a card. This makes no sense to me. I have my ID, I can change my password and get a new card, but I can't get money out directly from the bank? Right. I ask why - she looks confused. "This is the way things are." No asking questions, just sit down and wait 1 week. Great - I have 100 yuan (10 bucks) to get me through a week.

2) I go to an Internet cafe to check my email (I still don't have Internet at home - don't ask why..). When I ask for a computer she asks for my passport. I didn't bring it. They've let me just give them my passport number before and let me in, so I figured it would be OK this time. Wrong. "No, you need your passport." And then the American question comes out. "why" - She looks puzzled. "This is the way things are." I gave up pretty quick this time and went home to get my passport. Yikes.

I'm feeling awake and good today. I think better days lie ahead. Peace.