I doubt there are many people out there that read my blog anymore as I disappeared without a proper goodbye half a month ago. Coming back today I'm not quite sure how to deal with the cobwebs and dust that gathered while I was gone. My rhythm has been broken and tongue tied - but the show must go on and I'm ready to pound away at these keys again and hope something soulful pops onto the screen.
About a month ago Life threw me a curve ball. I've hit my fair share of curve balls in my day, but this was one I was far from prepared for, in my head it only happened to other people - it couldn't possibly happen to me! But it did. Some people run, but over the years I've gathered the strength to always face reality no matter how much it hurts. So I faced it and it hurt - a lot. It still hurts. Everyday. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, so forgive me for not blogging about it; I'd prefer to leave it at that.
Sometimes when life throws you a pitch, it throws you three - the rules of baseball don't really apply here. If you hit two and miss one it's still a strike. If you miss all three that's three strikes. I struck out. Here I was with my fancy Chinese skills, College education and haughty attitude thinking that I could handle anything. "Ho Ho ho" - laughed Life (kinda like Santa Clause would laugh at a naughty kid who got coal in his stocking for Christmas). "Silly Wabbit, Tricks are for KIDS." That's exactly what I am - a Kid. A Kid who wasn't ready for these kind of tests. A kid who still thinks that somewhere out there must be is a wonderful Utopia and a princess in a long white dress ready to be rescued. This Wabbit didn't realize that dreams are for kids - rich ones. Bad guys finish first and cheaters often win and it usually comes out of the honest guy's pocket.
If life didn't work this way I guess it wouldn't be very interesting. "yes I've finally got life figured out and under control!" - then *Smack*, god drops an anvil on your head. The infinite complexities and depth of life combined with my own infinite stupidity really amazes me. People are stupid, or at least ridiculously rigid. Change is not so easy - I know exactly what could be done to make life easier and more fulfilling and yet my body won't move to my command. Where is that damn remote control?!
How much longer will I continue to chase these ghosts of dreams? When will I have the strength and courage to really stand up and face reality? I've been faking a conscious and meaningful life for too long. I hate fake things and yet that's all I am - a walking talking robot, but the programming for the talking and the walking don't match. I'll tell you the meaning of life, but then I'll walk down the street to dope up to forget my worries. I'll get pissed off at the insanity in the workplace, but I care too much about my job to stand up and do something about it. Let's talk about love, but after I have to meet my friend at a bar for another blind date; I hear this bitch is hot.
There was a time when I was happy. Happy... But happiness is temporary. Happiness is relative. I think we should only ask people if they are happy in life after their dog gets hit by a car, after they lose their job, after they get a divorce, or some other thing that puts people at their lowest. If they can seriously say "yes I am happy with my life" - they are happy. Those people REALLY get it. Those are the people that I am envious of - because I am not that way. I don't take these things in stride. When the guns are blazing, I drop for cover: I don't grab my rocket launcher and jump on top of the nearest cop car to blast the mother fuckers away.
God, writing this makes me feel better.
PS: I don't need cheerful words. I don't want any "yeah life can be a bitch sometimes." I really don't need anything else that is fake and meaningless right now. I get enough of it elsewhere.
Currently: Rock Bottom. Alone. Broke. Confused. Melodramatic.
- Jason Sharp
- Beijing, China
- Age 22. I speak Chinese and I live in Beijing. I'm here looking to gain perspective on the world after I became disillusioned with the American lifestyle. I am an ardent observer and learner. I fall into things easily: love, video games, or some other new interest. I got that from my dad. I care about everyone I meet, deeply. I got that from my mom. I used to think I was lost. I've realized that with that mindset I'll never "find myself." I wasn't lost, I just lacked strength to create a life I deep down inside know I should be living. This is that journey
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1 comment:
Well you know me man, I'm just gonna tell it like it is. And what it seems to me is you've just hit that inevitable point where your just like, wtf just happened? I think I've been there a few times in my life, and whether it's your fault or not, shit happens, and there isn't a lot you can do about the fact that it happened.
Things happen for a reason, whether you or I know why or not, it just does, and I think for you, you have to really dig deep inside and figure out what went wrong. Not the superficial stuff, but the stuff deep inside. I think what your describing is a lot more common than any of us would like to admit, in fact, that's part of the problem right there. Not a lot of us are willing to admit that life goes horribly wrong sometimes, and that maybe, just maybe you can't do a damn thing about it whatsoever.
But you know what, if there's anything I know about you, is that you fight like hell, probably more than anyone I know. And I know that no matter what it is that your going through, that you'll find a way to swim through the crap in life and find true happiness, whatever it may be. I think it's times like this where you find out who you truly are, and what your truly made of.
I'm not gonna sit here and throw a pity party for you, because I know you wouldn't want that at all. Instead I'm going to tell you to lie down for a moment, lick the wounds of the battle that you had, and get ready to fight like hell again. Anyone who does what you did, going to a foreign country, without much previous knowledge of it, and be able to survive deserves major respect. But will that all be for naught? If I know you, you'd say hell no to that. I think you have to dig deep inside and find whatever it is in your gut that brought you to this dance in the first place. Or in more general terms, really figure out what it is that you wanted from this experience in the first place, and do whatever it is you have to go get it.
I don't need to say this, but I'll say it anyway. I know I haven't been as available to talk as I normally have, but you know I'm going through my own stuff as well. But you know what, there's always a time and a place from me here if you need it. I know you can take care of things on your own too, but if you ever need anyone to talk to or lean on, I'm always here for you man. I hope whatever it is that your going through, that you remember that life is a marathon, and you need to save your legs for the long haul. We all have our bad days, but it's part of what makes us who we are. I know that you can overcome any obstacle that you face in life, because I know the real you, the guy inside. Take care man, I know you'll do great things.
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