Patience is Painful

I have been very patient, and it hurts. It is frustrating. I want to tear my hair out, complain to every person I know that doesn't want to listen but has to, and swear at the top of my lungs that I will quit and that everyone around me is wrong!!!!!!! Too bad that won't help anything.

Have you ever gotten to that point that your patience is really on its end? If pushed one more time or one more second you HAVE to do something? We've all been there. This may be my first time going FAR beyond that point, acting against my natural reaction to step up and do something about the situation and instead sitting here gathering my thoughts.

This is growth - no pain no gain. There is pain. I'm feeling the pain, the burn, the drive to get out of this shit hole. I'm lied to, avoided, lip serviced, and delayed daily. Sometimes I'm cheated. I won't stay here like an idiot, but I won't quite impatiently. This was always my problem in chess and in Starcraft - impatience. I always thought that I knew the situation far earlier than I really did and acted rashly. I know I'm in a shit hole, but I don't know how deep and how wide - I don't know if there is a ladder, a rope, foot holes, or a lid waiting for me.

I want them to eat their lies, prove their incompetence, be bigger and better than them. Impatience and arguing only brings words - I will be at a disadvantage. I want to get out without a scrape, I will be the only survivor on the train wreck. I have to be the light at the end of the tunnel, they will vanish into nothingness.

Language skills are only the start of communication, and I've found myself in a very dire situation, a lonely soldier in a mine field. A wrong move can mean the end. There are right moves and there is safety, but it is far in the distance.

I won't go into too much detail, but the situation goes like this: I was asked to learn to take over part of a managers responsibilities - a large part. I was then sent to a managers department to work for a few months until I've learned enough to do his work on my own. He will not be rewarded for teaching me, or at least it's not apparent. I am his burden. He does everything he can do to limit what I learn, as for everything I learn from him, his usefulness decreases (this is my theory). I am as polite and friendly as possible in hopes that I will learn something so that I can get out of here and start my career.

None of the upper management will take responsibility for me, and it is not the Chinese way to set time limits and have clear cut goals, thus this manager does not feel pressure. I have expressed my dissatisfaction in the past and it was met with hostility by upper management, who accused me of not being assertive enough. Now I am even more dissatisfied and have even more complaints, but who will believe me? How to take my argument to them? They don't reply to "good morning Mr. x" and avoided me for 1 month when my raise was coming up - getting an audience for this would be hard enough. Then I would have to battle with this manager in Chinese about work, tearing apart each and every excuse he makes. Even if I don't look bad, I will not go anywhere this way. Then yet again, I will be back to square 1.

I will wait and patiently go through their shenanigans. I will find a way through this. I must.